In The Garden of Masculine Fragility

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

And then the Lord said, “It is not right that man should be alone. I shall make a helper for him.”

And Adam was like, “Just to be clear, you said a ‘helper’ right?”

And God said, “What was that?”
And Adam said, “When you said I shouldn’t be alone. You said the thing you make will be my helper, right?”

And God said, “Yes that’s what I said.”

And Adam said, “Okay so like, I’m in charge?”

And God said, “Well, I’m in charge.”

And Adam was like, “Yeah, but like, when you’re not around…”

And God was like, “Okay yeah I guess when I’m not around you’re in charge.”

And Adam was like, “Cool cool.”

And then God put Adam to sleep and took out his rib and made a woman out of it, and then he woke up Adam and said, “Here’s your helper, Adam.”

And Adam said, “Hi, I’m in charge.”

And Eve was like, “Okay whatever, I literally just came into existence so I don’t even know what that means.”

And lo that answer did not satisfy Adam, who really wanted to make sure everyone knew that he was in charge, even if “everyone” was just God, Eve, and a bunch of animals and plants. So he said, “No, you have to say that I’m in charge.”

And Eve, who’d been alive for maybe thirty seconds at this point, was like, “In charge of what? This little garden thingie? Congratulations?”

And Adam got really frustrated and was like, “I feel like you’re making fun of me.”

And Eve rolled her eyes (the first eye roll in history) and said, “No, no, I’m not making fun of you. You’re clearly a very important person around here.”

And Adam was like, “You sound like you’re being nice but you’re not. What is that?”

And Eve was like, “I just invented it. I’m calling it ‘sarcasm’.”

And this really made Adam mad because God had told him that he would get to name everything.

But Eve ignored Adam’s anger and was just like, “What’s this tree?”

And Adam, who was furious that Eve refused to acknowledge that he was mad because of how rude she was to him was like, “Oh that’s just the tree in the middle of the garden” because he didn’t want to tell her the name of it because he wanted to feel like he knew something she didn’t know because he didn’t like how she made him feel small.

And Eve was like, “No shit it’s in the middle of the garden. What’s with it?”

And Adam remembered what God had said about not eating of it, but because he didn’t really trust this new female person who had been very rude to him and not acquiesced to his authority and had also named things on her own without his permission, he decided he’d better add some more bullshit restrictions onto God’s warning to make sure she didn’t fuck up. “Oh you can’t eat from it or touch it or you’ll die.”

So right away Eve touched it saying, “You mean like this?” And nothing happened to her, but it made Adam squeal like a dumb baby.

“I said not to touch it!” he screamed.

And Eve touched it again. “Okay well I don’t know what dead is but I don’t think I am it.”

And Adam stormed off to the other side of the garden, which wasn’t really that far away because the garden was very small so he ended up looking pretty ridiculous standing there with his arms crossed like fifty feet away from Eve and the tree.

And that’s when the serpent came up. He was like, “What’s up, Eve?”

And Eve was like, “Well so far all I know is that this dude Adam is a real sad sack, and that apparently we can eat fruit from any of the trees in the garden, but supposedly God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”

And the serpent was like, “That’s what God said?”

And Eve was like, “Well that’s what Adam said God said.”

And the serpent was like, “This Adam guy sounds like a real ‘nice guy,’ if you know what I mean?”

And Eve laughed and was like, “Yeah somehow even though I’ve only be alive for like ten minutes and I’ve only ever met one other person I know exactly what you mean. Like, the original ‘nice guy’, right?”

And the serpent also laughed and was like, “Yeah, he’s like, ‘I’m just trying to protect you. I’m not like the other guys…’”

“Yeah yeah,” Eve said as tears of laughter rolled out of her eyes. “Like, ‘I don’t know why you’re getting so mad at me. I’m trying to help,’ right?”

And they both laughed and laughed and laughed, and then after they’d laughed for a while the serpent was like, “Seriously, you wanna eat some of this fruit, though?”

And Eve was like, “Yeah, screw it.”

And she did eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. And she did perceive the difference between good and bad, and she did then understand what she’d suspected from the first, which was that Adam was pretty much the worst.

 

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