A Non-Exhaustive List of Things I Wish I’d Said Fourteen Years Ago to The Strangers Who Told Me That My Crying Baby Was Hungry

-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-Oh she’s not hungry, she’s molting.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-I know. That’s the sound she makes right before she feasts on human flesh.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is—

-Shut up you’re hungry!


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-I’m sorry, but you forgot to phrase that in the form of a question, which means you lose 200 points and control of the board.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-Ugh I know but there’s just no good sushi restaurants within walking distance.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-That’s not a baby, it’s my ventriloquist dummy.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-Oh she is. But she’s staging a hunger strike protesting unfair labor laws, and I’m just so proud of her for being so politically engaged at such a young age.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-Ah, and you are no doubt bothered by the child’s tears, yes? They bring you existential pain, do they not? But I, my friend, am impervious to her cries, for I have learnt to endure them already lo these many a night. And so, if she is hungry, which she very well may be, my friend, it will be you who must endure it in agony for the next ten minutes in this crowded Duane Reade, you and not me, and not her, for to her crying is simply an efficient form of communication, and to me merely a code which I have received and will act upon at my nearest convenience, whilst for you, for you it has conjured up the deepest personal feelings of loss and pain imaginable, perhaps connected to your own childhood and the cries of your tiny heart that went unanswered. Is it not funny, dear fellow, how something so small and helpless can cause so much suffering to others and feel not the slightest remorse in doing so, for it knows not what it does? Also please kindly move to the right because you are currently standing in front of my toothpaste brand.


-Excuse me, ma’am, I think your baby is hungry.

-Oh, thank you. (I take out a jar of fish food, pinch some flakes in my fingertips and gently sprinkle them onto her face)


-Excuse me, ma’am—

-You know what? I’m doing my goddamn best! Am I perfect? No. Am I a saint? No. But do I provide my child with everything she needs to grow into a healthy, well-adjusted human being? I’d like to think so. And for you to presume that I’ve been somehow remiss as a mother, that I can’t properly care for my child just because you happen to see her in a moment of—

-This coupon is expired.

-Oh. Oh, my bad. I’m sorry, I just, people can be so—

-Also I think your baby’s hungry.

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